


Not Quite Ok (Wolfstar)

by Loubear_Hester



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Smut, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, idk - Freeform, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23462425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loubear_Hester/pseuds/Loubear_Hester
Summary: NEWTS are coming up and Remus is suffering from serious anxiety. A panic attack leads to Sirius finding out just how much his best friend is struggling and he vows to do anything he can to help. On top of exam stress Remus is trying to figure himself out. Is he gay? Could he have feelings for his best friend?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	1. Run down and burnt out

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Really enjoyed writing this, and l haven't decided whether it's going to be a one off thing or if I'm going to add more chapters. I have loads of ideas for it though. Please comment any thoughts, ideas or constructive criticism. I hope you like it.  
> Trigger warning: anxiety/ panic attack. This is based off my own experience of struggling with an anxiety disorder. Please be aware that everyone is different so if this is not your experience, that is fine.

Remus POV  
Remus checked his watch. 3.12 am. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He needed to finish this essay before the morning or he'd get detention. That was definitely not an option as he needed to spend all his time studying. NEWTS were starting in just 3 weeks, and what with missing lessons every month for full moons, he always had a lot to catch up on. The truth was he was run down and burnt out. He was exhausted from staying up studying every night and the anxiety of the impending exams crept up on him when he least expected it, leaving him breathless, panicky and tearful. Not that he could let his friends see. They'd probably tease him for being such a swot. The thing was though, these exams really mattered. His friends would all pass effortlessly, and so should he, but sometimes the panic just overwhelmed him, and he would psych himself out. He couldn't afford for this to happen in the exams. He needed these grades so he could become something. So he could leave home and get a job, stop depending on his parents who already struggled enough financially. Also, everyone expected so much of him. He couldn't be anything less than perfect. They had welcomed him into this school despite what he was, and he had always tried to be a good student for them. If he crashed and burnt now, he'd be letting everyone down. These thoughts spiralled round his mind until he couldn't think of anything else. His hands trembled and he willed away the tears threatening to spill over. He knew he should get some sleep, the last night owl had left the common room hours ago. But he needed to finish the potions essay. He picked up his pen.

Sirius POV  
Sirius came down into the common room to find Remus fast asleep at a table, his head resting on a piece of parchment. Sirius smirked and nudged his friend.  
'Dude, did you sleep here all night?'  
Remus shot up, his hair sticking up. Sirius would laugh but his friend looked terrible. His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. Sirius thought he saw tear stains on his cheeks.  
'You ok Moony? No offense, but you look like death warmed up.'  
Remus shrugged. He really didn't look well.  
'Maybe you should go back to bed, I'll tell slughorn you're ill.'  
At the mention of the potions master, panic flashed across Remus's eyes. He checked his watch and gasped.  
'We're going to be late! I can't miss this lesson, I'm already so behind! I'll never catch up at this rate!'  
Sirius watched Remus stuff his essay and quill into his bag. He knew he should try to convince his friend to take the lesson off and get some sleep but he knew him too well to know that when he had made up his mind, he was stubborn. They rushed off to potions, James and Peter long ahead of them. Sirius was concerned about Moony. He was prone to anxiety, and he knew he was a lot more worried about the exams than he was letting on. They got to class just on time, sitting together at the back. Remus still looked pale and shaky. Sirius wondered if it was to do with the full moon coming up in a few night's time. That always put him on edge. But this seemed different somehow. He vowed to interrogate his friend later. He hated to see him like this.  
Potions was going fairly uneventfully. Slughorn asked them to quiz their partners on what they had just been learning about. Sirius turned to Remus. He could tell straight away something wasn't right. Remus was staring straight down at the desk, his eyes filled with tears. His legs were shaking uncontrollably. His breathing was ragged, catching in his throat. Sirius reached out and touched Remus's shoulder. As soon as his hand made contact, Remus stood up and bolted out of the room. 

Remus POV  
He was running blindly through corridors, tears streaming down his face. He could hear the blood roaring in his head, the pounding of his heart and his laboured breathing. He slammed the door of the first empty classroom he came to and sunk to the floor. He put his head in his hands and tried to slow his breathing. It wasn't working, he couldn't catch his breath. All he could think about was failing his NEWTS, the look on his teachers faces, his parents disappointment, his friend's pity. The full moon coming up where he would miss even more work. He curled his knees up to his chest, his staggered breaths now escalating into full hyperventilation. His vision was spotty and blurred with tears. He felt like he was falling. Drowning. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't do this. Suddenly he felt strong arms around him. A soothing voice in his ear.  
'I've got you. You're safe. Everything is going to be fine. Deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Breathe with me.'  
Remus tried to match the breaths of the boy he now knew to be Sirius. Slowly his breathing began to slow as Sirius rubbed circles on his back. His gasps turned to quiet sobs as he collapsed against his friend's chest, exhausted. He tried to speak.  
'i-i can't do this. I'm going to f-fail'  
'shhh' hushed Sirius hugging Remus close. They stayed like that for what seemed like ages, Remus with his head buried into Sirius's shirt.

Sirius POV  
They were well into 2nd period but Sirius had no intention of letting Remus go back to class. He helped him back to the gryffindor common room which was thankfully empty. They sat in a pair of armchairs next to the window. Sirius could tell Remus was embarrassed, as he was avoiding eye contact. Sirius cleared his throat.  
'we need to talk about what happened'.  
Remus said nothing. Sirius tried again.  
'can I ask you some questions?'  
Remus shrugged, his cheeks burning.  
Sirius decided to take that as a yes.  
'has that ever happened before?'  
Remus shook his head, the lie obvious. Sirius sighed.  
'look, Moony, I know this is hard and scary, but I'm your best friend, and I can't help you unless you tell the truth.'  
Remus looked at his feet.  
'it has happened before, but not that bad' he choked out.  
'does anyone else know about it?' asked Sirius?  
Remus shook his head again.  
'and do you know what triggered it?'  
Remus opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. He looked at the door and then back to his feet. This was obviously very uncomfortable for him to talk about. He tried again.  
'I'm just stressed' he said, his voice cracking. 'all the t-time. It just builds up until I can't concentrate on anything else. It takes over until it feels like I'm drowning. I just can't cope any more,' he sobbed.  
Sirius hated seeing his friend in this state. He shuffled over and wrapped his arms around Remus.  
'I'm sorry.' muttered Remus into his shirt.  
'why?' questioned Sirius  
'for being so pathetic', said Remus.  
Sirius clenched his fists.  
'don't you dare call yourself pathetic Remus Lupin. What you go through every day would bring anyone to their knees. You've been fighting this battle alone for fuck knows how long and you are strong. You are so strong. But you don't need to fight alone anymore. Whatever happens, we are in this together, and it is going to be ok.'  
Remus finally allowed himself to smile. He had a beautiful smile.


	2. Managed, not mended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter whoo! Hope you enjoy. Again, all comments greatly appreciated! Thanks :) x

Sirius POV  
Sirius woke up early the next morning. He dressed quietly and sat at the end of his bed, looking at his sleeping friends. James was snoring quietly, a slight smirk on his face, even in sleep. Peter was fully under his blanket, just a lump, steadily moving up and down with his breathing. His eyes fell on Remus. Remus looked pale but peaceful, curled up under his covers. Sirius sighed, sad that his peace would soon be disturbed by the stress of school. He wished he could do something to cure his friend of his torment, but he knew anxiety was sometime that could be managed, not mended. Maybe he would convince Remus to talk to madam Pomfrey. He doubted he would agree to go though. He wouldn't want to make a fuss. Remus turned slightly in his sleep, his lips partially opening. Sirius' eyes were instantly drawn to those lips. He willed away thoughts about those lips touching his. He was ashamed of how attracted he was to Remus. Everyone knew Sirius was gay, that was no secret, but nothing could ever happen between him and Moony. They were best friends, like brother's, and Remus would never like him back anyway. He probably wasn't even gay, though sometimes Sirius wondered… a few times he had turned to find Remus staring at him, and then he'd look away quickly, blushing. But that was just Remus, it probably didn't mean anything.  
The peace was broken as James, with a particularly loud snore, rolled over and fell to the floor with a crash and a cry. Remus and Peter snapped awake confused, and the ensuing chaos meant the day had started and it was time to get up. 

Remus POV  
After a rather rude awakening of James falling out of bed, Remus and his friends had grabbed a quick breakfast and made their way to their first class, which was charms. They were nearly at the door, 5 minutes early for once, when they were intercepted by their head of house, Professor McGonagall.  
'Black, Lupin, come with me' she barked.  
James and Peter looked at them, baffled as to what shenanigans they could have got into without them. Reluctantly, Remus and Sirius followed her into her office. His stomach was squirming, he was nearly 18, yet he still hated getting into trouble. Sirius also didn't look his usual relaxed self. McGonagall shut the door and fixed them with a glare.  
'I hope you two have a really good explanation as to why you both missed an entire day of lessons yesterday. You do realise how close we are to NEWTS, your final exams that will determine your future! I might have expected this sort of behaviour from you Black, but you Lupin? Skipping class is absolutely unacceptable behaviour. Now what do you have to say for yourselves?'  
Remus felt awful. He wanted to tell her the truth, but surely she'd scoff and think him ridiculous. He didn't know what to do. Sirius spoke up beside him.  
'We er went to first period, but Remus felt ill. I um meant to go and tell someone but I forgot', he offered weakly.  
'You forgot?' said McGonagall, her face like thunder.  
'If Mr Lupin was that ill, he should have gone to the hospital wing, and he certainly didn't need you bunking off with him. I don't believe you're telling me the truth. What do you have to say for yourself Lupin?'  
Remus froze, panic numbing him. He considered going along with the feeling ill story. He certainly felt ill now. He tried to speak but no words would emerge. His face flushed and his stomach churned. To his horror, he felt hot tears pricking the back of his eyes. McGonagall was saying something. He could see her mouth moving, but her words were drowned out by the roaring in his ears. For the second time in as many days he turned and sprinted out of the room. Clutching his stomach, he ran into the nearest bathroom and threw up. When he was done, he collapsed against the locked door, and tried to focus on slowing down his breathing and heartbeat. He closed his eyes, tears still trickling out below his lids. This had to stop. He was sick and tired of running away everytime something got too much. Sick of being so fucking weak. He tensed as he heard footsteps enter the bathroom. Sirius. 

Sirius POV  
Sirius knocked on the cubicle door. Silence.  
'I know you're in there'.  
Still silence. He could hear Remus breathing on the other side of the door. Sighing, he slumped down on his side, so they were back to back, with only the plastic separating them.  
'I told McGonagall. Not everything. But I had to say something.' He swallowed 'I know it wasn't my right to say, without your permission. But she saw you run out and she asked me what was wrong. I told her about yesterday.' He was so scared Remus would be angry with him, but instead when the small voice finally came from the other side of the door, what he said was:  
'Thanks'.  
'What are you thanking me for?' asked Sirius.  
'For telling her. I don't think I could. And for caring. For being here.'  
Sirius smiled.  
'I'm not going anywhere'.  
Remus finally opened the door. He looked shaken but determined.  
'I've made a decision', he said. 'I'm not going to run anymore. I can't continue like this. I'm going to talk to McGonagall. If she thinks I'm pathetic, that's her problem, I'm not coping and I need help.'  
Sirius smiled.  
'I'm proud of you. And I promise you she won't think you're pathetic. She must have been teaching for about 1000 years, do you think she's never experienced this before?'  
Remus let out a small chuckle.  
'1000 might be an overstatement'.  
They walked back to McGonagall's office and knocked on the door. She opened it looking slightly less menacing than before.  
'Thank you for delivering Mr Lupin into my more than capable hands Mr Black, you may go back to class.'  
'But-' protested Sirius.  
'No buts, I'm sure professor Flitwick is eagerly awaiting your arrival.'  
He knew better than to argue with McGonagall. He shot an apologetic look at Remus who was positively trembling, then exited the room.  
In charms he slid in next to James who immediately started firing questions at him and asking about Remus' whereabouts. In a hurried whisper, he explained that they had skipped class yesterday due to Remus not feeling well, and that he was still unwell, probably something to do with the full moon approaching. He felt bad lying to his other best friend, but he knew he had to leave it to Remus to explain about his anxiety when and if he was ready. All through charms class he was worrying about Remus. What if he had another panic attack and Sirius wasn't there? As soon as the bell marked the end of class, he was off out the door, before James and Peter had even put down their quills.


	3. Could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a super short one. I just wanted to put something out today (I say today it's nearly midnight here XD). I'm really enjoying writing this, even if no one reads it! If anyone's interested, it's basically my life story haha. My queer, anxious self is loving this representation. Big love guys!

Remus POV  
Sirius burst in through the common room door, breathless. He had obviously ran all the way from Charms to get here. Something about that fact made Remus’ insides flutter. Sirius black, notorious for never running for anything he could possibly walk for, had run up god knows how many flights of stairs to get to Remus. Sirius collapsed in the chair next to Remus and turned to his friend.  
‘What happened? Tell me everything! Was it ok?’  
Remus smiled at his friend's concern.  
‘It actually went pretty well. I mean as far as talks like that can go. It wasn’t too excruciating. She basically gave me a lecture about how my grades don’t define me, and said that her office was always open if I needed a chat’. He pulled a face. ‘Like that’s ever going to happen’.  
Sirius laughed.   
‘A chat with old Mcgonagall. Do you think this will help?’  
Remus shrugged.   
‘I dunno. I mean it’s all just words isn’t it? I still have-’ He paused. ‘You know.’  
Sirius nudged him.  
‘You can say anxiety you know. It’s not a taboo word.’  
‘Yeah I know.’ Remus said. ‘And um… Would you mind, just for now, not mentioning it to the others?’  
’Sure’.  
Right on cue James and Peter sauntered into the common room. Well James sauntered, Peter scurried behind him with the grace of a sack of Potatoes.  
‘Did you run here Padfoot?’ James said incredulously. ‘We thought there must have been some emergency. Is Moony really that special you couldn’t have waited 2 minutes?’  
They all laughed but Remus thought he saw a blush creeping up the back of Sirius’ neck. They all had a free period so they settled at one of the tables for a game of exploding snap. Remus was distracted though. There was a lot on his mind. His thoughts were still mainly preoccupied by the exams. Also the full moon, now in two night’s time. Since 4th year, when his friends had become animagi in order to spend those dreaded nights with him, the full moons had become bearable, even enjoyable. But now, with the exams so close, and so much going on, it just felt like another thing to deal with. There was also something else. Something he had been trying to put out of his head. Or rather someone. Every time he closed his eyes, images of a certain person would dance in his mind, causing feelings that he really didn’t want to address. Long, dark hair, intense grey eyes, that playful smile. Remus was pretty sure he wasn’t straight. But Sirius was his best friend. What if he got rejected and it ruined everything? What if Sirius didn’t like him in that way? Or if he had Remus had probably ruined it by crying all over him yesterday. But the things he had said. He seemed to actually care. Remus allowed himself to imagine for a moment him asking Sirius out. Them dating. Holding hands. Kissing. Going further? He blushed beetroot as he realised his friends were smirking at him. Terrified they knew what he had just been thinking about, he busied himself dealing out cards for the next game. During the next half an hour, he couldn’t help but stare at his best friend’s handsome profile and wonder, could it be?


	4. The grand scheme of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'm going to start writing longer chapters soon! Hope you enjoy this. I have a few ideas of where I'm going with this, but any ideas are greatly appreciated because I'm pretty much just winging it! Also, please leave kudos if you enjoy this, as it literally makes my day! Hope everyone is doing ok in these crazy times. <3

Sirius POV  
The stifling hot summer day had turned into a cool summer evening. The last lesson of the day had ended. James was thrashing Peter at Wizard’s chess and Remus was studying as usual. Sirius knew he should also be studying, but he longed to be outside.  
‘Hey Moony, do you want to go for a walk down to the lake? I’ll test you on your notes?’  
Remus agreed. They walked out of the main doors and were hit by a beautiful evening. The sun was just beginning to set, and the balmy heat was punctuated by a refreshing breeze. They sat on the grass by the lake, and Sirius began to test Remus on his potions notes. He loved the way Remus crumpled up his nose when he was thinking, and the slight smile that crept out when he got an answer right, which was almost always. Also the way he flicked his hair out of his eyes while biting his bottom lip, not in an obnoxious way like James would, but in an endearing, absent minded way. After 20 minutes of testing each other, Sirius flopped onto his back, looking at the slowly darkening sky. He felt Remus do the same beside him. They were close, side by side, their shoulders just touching.  
‘Do you ever think about how insignificant we are. Compared to all that?’ Sirius murmured.  
‘All the time’, replied Remus. ‘I used to come out and look at the stars whenever I was stressed or upset. Because problems feel so much smaller with this kind of view’.  
‘Exactly. Because, none of it really matters, not in the grand scheme of things. We are born, and we live a short and insignificant life and then we die. But we live forever in the friendships we make, the love we give, the people we leave behind. That’s what matters.’ Said Sirius.  
‘That’s what matters’ repeated Lupin in a whisper. ‘Not some stupid exams.’  
Sirius reached over and took Lupin's hand in his. It was cool and smooth and fit perfectly in his own. He half expected his friend to pull away, but he didn’t. They stayed like that until the sky was completely black, hand in hand, with only the moon and the infinite stars smiling down on them.

Remus POV  
He never wanted this moment to end. But it was late and they had to be back inside the castle before the doors were locked. He sighed as he untangled his hand from Sirius’. They slowly made their way back up to the castle in silence. Remus was trying to work out what it all meant. Sirius had held his hand. Did that mean he was interested in him? Remus had liked it. Did that mean he was gay? Thinking back, he had never had any interest in dating girls, but he had never had crushes on boys either. Until now… He tried to rationalise what constituted a crush. He thought about Sirius all the time, whenever they touched he felt a sense of electricity between them, holding his hand had been the best feeling in the world. And twice he’d had dreams where they would kiss, and he would wake up exhilarated and ashamed. Ok, he definitely had feelings for Sirius. But how could he find out if those feelings were reciprocated? Holding hands could mean anything. Friends hold hands, right? What if he made a move and got rejected? He could subtly hint to Sirius that he was interested in guys, and hope he made the first move? If he was even interested that was. These thoughts kept repeating themselves over and over in his head. He didn’t even notice that they had got to the common room until Sirius dragged him back into the real world by saying the password out loud. They stumbled into the common room, which seemed stifling after being outside. They headed over to where their friends were still sat, and Remus thought he saw James shoot Sirius a knowing glance. Sirius didn’t seem to notice though, and soon it was as if the last hour hadn’t happened as they slipped back into their normal routine of chatting and banter and then eventually bed. 

Sirius POV  
It was midnight and he couldn’t sleep. He decided to read until he felt tired, so he went back down into the common room so as not to wake his friends with his wand light. After 20 minutes, he was just starting to get sleepy when he heard the sound of feet on the steps from the boys dormitory. To his surprise, it was James that emerged, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He came over and sat beside Sirius.  
‘I got woken up by Peter’s snoring and I saw your bed was empty. Thought you might want some company’, he explained. Sirius smiled. Whatever happened with Remus, Sirius knew he would always have James. They were practically brothers, as he pretty much lived with James full time in the holidays, after he’d finally left home at 16. He could tell James wanted to say something, and he didn’t have to wait too long before he did.  
‘What’s going on between you and Remus?’ James asked innocently. Sirius blushed.  
‘Nothing! Why do you ask?’  
‘Seriously?’ laughed James. ‘You think I didn’t notice you two making heart eyes at each other all day.’  
Sirius knew he could trust James, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what was going on between him and Remus himself.  
‘I… like him.’ He said hesitantly.  
‘I knew it!’ Said James a little too loudly. Sirius hushed him.  
‘You can’t say anything though. I don’t even know if he likes me back. Or if he’s even gay for that matter.’  
‘Are you kidding me?’ Teased James. ‘That boy was practically drooling over you’.  
‘Do you really think he likes me?’ Questioned Sirius.  
‘I know he does’, replied James. They went back up to bed, Sirius feeling considerably happier than before.


	5. His thoughts were no longer his own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter. I'll try to upload again in the next couple of days. Please leave comments and Kudos if you like this, it gives me the motivation to keep writing. Hope everyone is ok and staying indoors. :)

Remus POV  
Remus woke up, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of his stomach. It took him a moment before his brain caught up with his body and he remembered the reason for this familiar sense. It was the full moon tonight. He sighed and got out of bed. He had been bitten 12 years ago, which meant he’d experienced over 100 full moons, yet somehow, he still anticipated each one with the same resigned anxiety. At least it was Friday. He just needed to get through today and tonight and then he could relax over the weekend a bit. Maybe go into Hogsmeade with his friends. Spend some time with Sirius. He dressed quietly as his friends were still sleeping and made his way to the great hall to grab some breakfast. His first lesson was Transfiguration with Mcgonagall. He cringed at the thought that she might try to talk to him about yesterday. He decided to try and keep his head down during the lesson, and leave as quickly as possible at the end. His friends joined him in the hall a few minutes later. He avoided eye contact with Sirius as he sat down. James started the discussion of that night's events. Since 4th year, they had joined him in his monthly escapades. Remus had said that he’d be fine on his own if they wanted to miss out on these last few before exams started, but his friend’s wouldn’t have any of it.   
‘You’re the only one who cares about these exams anyway Moony’ laughed James. It was a joke but Remus felt a twang of anxiety in his chest at the mention. He tried to focus on what would happen when the exams were over. They had their whole summer planned out. They were all going to stay at James’ and then go travelling together. He only had to get through the next two months of revision and then exams before they were free. Snapping himself out of his daydream, he, Sirius and James headed over to transfiguration (Peter had failed his OWL so hadn’t taken it into 6th year). The lesson went fairly uneventfully, and although he sensed Mcgonagall keeping a closer eye on him than normal, thankfully she didn’t try to talk to him.

Sirius POV  
Sirius spent most of the morning’s lessons staring at Remus and daydreaming, punctuated by nudges and teasing from James. When he wasn’t staring at his crush, he was staring out the window. The beautiful weather seemed to mock them, as they were stuck inside, unable to enjoy it. The sun beat down on the lake, making it shimmer hypnotically. Sirius couldn’t wait for the summer holidays. He used to dread going home to his family, but now he no longer had to. Him, Remus, James and Peter would be free to lounge around James’ house, play quidditch, swim in the river, go travelling wherever they wanted. Probably James would be spending a lot of time with his girlfriend Lily, but they all got on well with her too. Maybe, in the summer, once they didn’t have exams to worry about, he could ask Moony out. The thought of it made him smile. At that point he realised the class was staring at him. He had been asked a question, but he had absolutely no idea what they’d just been discussing. Whoops. Mcgonagall reprimanded him, and the Slytherin’s they were sharing the class with, including Severus Snape, laughed at him. God, he hated Snape. Always trying to find a way to get them in trouble. Sighing, he slipped back into his daydreaming. He pictured going to Grimauld place one last time at the end of the summer, to pick up the rest of his stuff before going on to the rest of his life. He doubted they would be happy to see him. They hated who he had become, and the friends he had made. They hated the fact he liked boys too, which only made Sirius more determined to shock and upset them. He smirked inwardly as he remembered the photos of half naked men he had stuck to his wall with a permanent sticking charm before he left to live at James’ house. He briefly wondered whether he would stay in touch with his friends once they all went their separate ways. He shrugged away the thought. He wouldn’t let those dorks go. They were friends for life, that was certain.

Remus POV  
The day passed quite quickly, with Remus struggling to pay attention in most of his classes. Full moons were always like this, but the thought of all the work that he would have to go back over, made his head hurt. He definitely couldn’t miss any lessons tomorrow, no matter how tired he was. As the afternoon drew to a close, Remus felt irritable and out of sorts as was natural pre transition. His friends knew to give him space, but they finalised the plans for them to come down to the shrieking shack under the invisibility cloak at nightfall. He started making the trek down to the whomping willow. For the first few years a teacher would always accompany him to the shrieking shack, but now he was practically an adult, they trusted him to make the journey alone. He prefered it this way, he liked to be alone up until he began to transform. Once he had changed, he was an animal and his thoughts were no longer his own, so those moments of reflection beforehand mattered greatly to him. As he made the long walk through the tunnels, he thought of Sirius. Then James and Peter. His friends, who broke the law to ensure that he felt safe and comfortable on these nights. He really loved them. All of them. When he finally got to the Shack, he sat down, exhausted. Nightfall was not far away, and he knew his friends would be here soon. He put his head in his hands. He could feel his mind begin to change. His brain was turning animal. He shut his eyes and held the images of his friends in his brain for as long as he could. He collapsed to the floor as his body felt like it was being ripped apart. He knew there was something he was trying to think about but he could no longer remember. Through his half closed eyes he saw the door open and a stag and a large dog walk in, accompanied by a rat. He didn’t know who they were or why they were here but he knew he felt more safe with them there. That was the last thing Remus remembered before he fully transitioned into his wolf form.

Sirius POV  
He woke up, still in dog form, curled up beside Remus on the floor of the shrieking shack. He stood up and morphed back into a man. Turning, he saw James and Peter already awake.  
‘We’d better go back to the castle before Madam Pomfrey arrives’, James said. Sirius looked back at the sleeping boy, not wanting to leave him in this state. James caught the look and sighed.  
‘Ok me and Peter will wait outside, but any longer than 5 minutes we’re leaving without you, and good luck trying to get back to the dorm without the invisibility cloak.’ He relented. Sirius smiled. As they left, he knelt back beside Remus. He looked so pale, and he was covered in cuts and bruises. Sirius didn’t want him to have to wake up alone, so with regret, he gently shook him awake. Remus slowly opened his eyes, and Sirius helped him sit up. He looked ashen and groggy as he often did after a full moon. Sirius explained that the others were waiting outside, and they had to get back up to the castle before madam Pomfrey arrived. He said that he’d meet him back in the common room and gave his friend a quick hug before rushing back outside to meet his friends and walk back up to the castle. They had a close shave where they tried to exit the hole at the base of the whomping willow just as madam Pomfrey was trying to enter it, but luckily, covered by the cloak, they managed to slip past her unnoticed. Back at the castle Sirius waited anxiously for Lupin’s return. Finally he entered the common room, looking even worse than before. Sirius tried to persuade him to skip their defence against the dark arts lesson, but Remus wouldn’t even consider it. They headed over to their classroom. All throughout the lesson Sirius was preoccupied with worrying about Lupin. He kept glancing over anxiously at him. The lesson was nearly over, when Remus was called out to answer a question on the blackboard. Sirius watched as he got to his feet unsteadily. He had walked halfway up to the blackboard when he suddenly collapsed to the floor, out cold.


	6. I'm proud of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hope everyone is doing ok... Thank you to anyone who is taking the time to read this, and it really means a lot, anyone who comments or leave kudos.

Remus POV  
Remus opened his eyes. Where was he? He was momentarily blinded by the brightness of the room. His head was pounding and he felt cold and shivery despite the blanket that was over him. Blanket? He tried to sit up but immediately his vision clouded and he was forced to collapse back against his pillow. Instead he cautiously turned his head to the side and saw a row of pristine empty beds. He realised he was in the hospital wing. Slowly the events that led up to him being here came back to him. Full moon, Sirius, Defense against the dark arts… Then nothing. Had he fainted? At that moment Madam Pomfrey bustled over to him.  
‘Ah, you’re finally awake. Gave your classmates quite the scare collapsing like that. You silly boy, you know you're meant to take it easy after a full moon. Still, we’ll have to run some tests to determine what exactly caused you to pass out in that way-’  
‘What time is it?’ Interrupted Remus, his voice coming out as a croak.  
‘3 o’clock’ replied Madam Pomfrey. Remus paled.  
‘3 o’clock, I need to get to potions! I’ve missed so much, I have to go and find all my teachers! I need to start catching up straight away.’ Remus’ breathing quickened as he tried to swing his legs out of the bed. Madam Pomfrey practically shoved him back onto his pillow.  
‘You will do no such thing. You will stay here and drink this’, She said, producing a small bottle containing a purplish liquid. ‘Then you will answer my questions, and get some sleep. I daresay that boy who was here earlier will collect your work for you. Professor Mcgonagall practically had to drag him out’.  
‘Which boy?’ asked Remus, defeated.  
‘The tall lad with the dark hair’ she said. ‘Mr Black I believe his name is’.  
Sirius had been here? Mcgonagall had to drag him out? Remus smiled despite himself, before Madam Pomfrey shoved the potion into his hands. Knowing there was no point protesting, he drank it down. It tasted disgusting, but he instantly felt a bit calmer.  
‘Now, Professor Mcgonagall informed me that you had a panic attack 3 days ago.’ Remus inwardly groaned. Who else had Mcgonagall told?  
‘She believes you are pushing yourself too hard and I am inclined to agree with her. Anxiety can be a problem for many teens at this time, but some people’s brains deal with it better than others. For some, stress can be a good thing, giving them the motivation to study hard and the adrenaline to get through the lengthy exam season. However for others it can become overwhelming. Something that inhibits performance and makes students ill. I believe that is what caused you to faint. Have you been feeling at all unwell recently?’  
‘No’, he lied.  
‘How about sleep? Have you been sleeping well?’  
‘Yep, fine’. Another lie.  
‘And anymore panic attacks other than the one 3 days ago?’ He hesitated before firmly shaking his head. He wasn’t sure why exactly he was lying to her. When he had talked to Mcgonagall he had felt determined to finally tell the truth about how little he was coping with the exam stress, but now he just felt silly. Madam Pomfrey seemed unconvinced with his answers, but let it go all the same.  
‘Well for now I want you to get some rest here, and you may return to lessons tomorrow. I will give you a bottle of that potion for you to use if you feel too anxious or are having trouble sleeping.’ With that she left, putting the bottle into his school bag which was lying next to the bed. The potion had made him feel very sleepy, and lying back on his pillow, it didn’t take him long to drift back off to sleep.

Sirius POV  
Yet another lesson spent entirely worrying about Remus. He’d done everything he could to stay in the hospital wing until he woke up, but Mcgonagall had practically manhandled him out, telling him he could visit Remus after all his lessons were finished. Thankfully potions was the last lesson of the day, and it was nearly over. He was so preoccupied looking at the clock, he allowed his shrinking potion to bubble over the edge of his cauldron, splattering onto his textbook, which promptly shrunk to the size of a postage stamp.  
‘At least the potion worked?’ He offered to an irritated Slughorn.  
‘Just try to pay a bit more attention next time’, he warned, reversing the damage with a flick of his wand. At last the lesson was over. Sirius raced over to the hospital wing. Reluctantly, Madam Pomfrey let him in, after he said he was just there to drop off work. He slipped through the curtain surrounding Remus’ bed. He had been asleep, but he woke up as Sirius sat down on the chair next to him. He still looked really wan, and his eyes were slightly glazed over, making Sirius think that Madam Pomfrey probably gave him something to help him sleep.  
‘How’re you feeling?’ He asked. Remus shrugged.  
‘A bit better’, He said. ‘Thanks for coming’.  
‘No problem. Do you know why you passed out?’ He saw Remus hesitating.  
‘Just tiredness I guess. You know after the full moon.’ Sirius was pretty sure he was lying but decided not to push it, he obviously had a reason to keep it to himself.  
‘I collected all your work for you’, he said. ‘There wasn’t that much, mainly revision’.  
Remus nodded, biting his lip. Sirius thought he was quieter than usual, he seemed like he still had a lot on his mind.  
‘Everything ok?’ He asked gently. Remus nodded and looked at his hands.  
‘Madam Pomfrey said I could only stay a couple of minutes to give you your work...’ After no reply he set the work on the bedside table and turned to go.  
‘Wait’. Sirius looked back at the sound of his voice. Remus himself looked surprised that he had spoken, he seemed to be struggling for words.  
‘I… I think…Um... I think I might be gay. Or bi. I’m not sure. I’m… I’m not straight.’  
‘Oh!’ Sirius said, surprised. That was not what he had expected. He came and sat back in the chair. ‘Well that’s fine. Obviously. I mean, cool.’ Fuck he was messing this up. He didn’t know what to say. His best friend had just come out to him and for the first time in his life he was at a loss for words. He tried to remember everything he wished people had said to him when he came out.  
‘Moony, of course you know it’s fine with me, but I want to say you're one of my best friends and nothing you say or do is ever going to change that. And thank you for telling me. It’s nice to know i’m not the only gay kid in the school.’  
Remus smiled at that.  
‘Do you think the others will be fine with it?’  
‘Yeah, of course, I mean they’re fine with me aren’t they?’  
‘Yeah, but you're… you.’  
‘They’ll be totally fine. But just tell them whenever you're ready, there’s no rush.’  
Madam Pomfrey came at that moment to tell him that he really had to leave right now. He leant over to hug his friend, and while they were hugging he whispered in his ear, ‘I’m proud of you’. Then he turned and left the hospital wing.

Remus POV  
He watched him go, still slightly in shock. He had just told Sirius he was gay. He hadn’t even planned to, it had just come out (pun not intended). Everything had just been going round in his head. He had felt bad for lying to Sirius about the fainting, and he was stressed about the missed work, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how attracted he was to the boy in front of him and he had just blurted it out. And Sirius had been fine with it. He had thought he would be, obviously being gay himself, but it was still the first time Remus had ever told anyone about his sexuality, and he had been scared. He put the missed work Sirius had brought into his bag, telling himself that he wouldn’t worry about it until the morning, and settled back on his pillows, feeling a lot happier than before.

Sirius POV  
He still couldn’t believe Remus had come out to him. He smiled to himself as he walked back down the corridor towards the Gryffindor common room. If he was gay, did that mean he had more of a chance with him? He decided to put that out of his mind. Not every single gay person was attracted to him. Though James had said he was practically drooling over him. He felt happy that Remus had chosen to tell him first, even before his parents. It showed that he trusted him, which meant a lot to Sirius, who was more used to being someone to have a laugh with than a confidant. He really cared about that boy though. He felt a lot more positive as he got to the common room. It was finally the weekend, and Remus would be out of the hospital wing tomorrow.


	7. Something like shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok ngl, I'm not feeling that great about this fic anymore. It feels like it's going downhill, and i'm not entirely sure where it's going to go. I'm still enjoying writing it, but I doubt anyone is really enjoying reading it. I'll keep trying with it for now, but I might be flogging a dead horse here. Who knows, I might be able to turn it around, but I might just let it die. Not sure. Sorry guys.

Remus POV  
He opened his eyes, first registering the fact that he was still in the hospital wing, then remembering that he was free to leave. He felt a lot better than he had yesterday, though the thought of the missed work in his bag still sent a jolt of anxiety through him. It’s fine, he told himself. It was the weekend, so he would have plenty of time to catch up on his work, do some revision, and probably still go into Hogsmeade with James, Peter and Sirius. Fuck. Sirius. The events of yesterday, came back to him. He had told his best friend he was gay. He felt conflicting emotions of relief and dread at facing him again today. He focussed on putting it out of his head. He needed to stop overthinking everything all the time. It was probably going to be alright. He sighed and got out of bed. He got dressed quietly and left the hospital wing, hoping he wouldn’t meet anyone. He didn’t think he could handle being interrogated or laughed at about yesterday. As if summoned by the devil, he then bumped into none other than Severus Snape coming round a corner. He groaned inwardly. They were completely alone in the corridor.   
“If it isn’t Remus Lupin, the filthy half-breed” sneered Snape. Snape had found out about Remus’ secret the year before after following him and his friends to the Shrieking Shack one full moon. He had been sworn to secrecy by the headmaster, but it didn’t stop him tormenting Remus about it in times like this. Remus put his head down and tried to walk past, but Snape moved to block his way.  
“A little bird told me you fainted yesterday”, said Snape, smiling nastily. “Are you that weak you can’t even cope with a Defence Against the Dark Arts class?”  
Remus decided not to rise to it, and once again tried to walk past, but Snape grabbed his arm.   
“Your boyfriend isn’t here to save you Lupin”, he taunted. He waited for Remus to say or do something in his defence, and when he didn’t, he let go of his arm, laughing.   
“I guess you're a faggot as well as a half breed” he called as he walked away. Remus stayed rooted to the spot. He thought of all the things he should have said to Snape, things that Sirius or James would’ve said. He thought of Snape calling him a faggot. He knew he was just trying to say anything to hurt him, and get a rise but part of him still felt shaken. There’s no way Snape could know, was there? He shook himself and continued back to the common room, without event, his good mood from before completely gone. 

Sirius POV  
Sirius came down the steps into the common room. Yawning, he saw Remus sat by the fire. He walked over and plonked himself next to him. Remus startled, seeming to have been deep in thought. He greeted him, but Sirius thought he saw something like shame flash across his face. He briefly wondered whether it had anything to do with what Remus had told him yesterday. He decided not to bring it up.   
“You coming to Hogsmeade today Moony?” He asked instead.  
“Uh yeah, I need to do some studying but I think I’ll still have time”. His smile seemed forced. James and Peter emerged a couple of minutes later, and they all went down to the great hall for breakfast. Sirius noticed that Remus seemed distracted, he barely touched his breakfast, and was pretty much silent the entire time. His odd mood continued as they walked into Hogsmeade, though he lightened up a bit when they got there. They wandered around the shops, just enjoying eachothers company and eventually ended up at the 3 Broomsticks. As they sat at a table, joking and laughing together, Sirius thought how nice it was to just be spending time with his friends. He was happy to finally see Remus smiling, it had definitely been a long week for him. He thought again how much he was looking forward to the end of school, and the long summer that stretched out ahead of them. All too soon they were headed back to school, Remus already starting to stress about the work he had missed while spending time in the hospital wing. He had told James and Peter the same thing about fainting due to tiredness, though Sirius still suspected he was holding something back. Sirius promised to help Remus with the catch up work, to try and stop him fretting, and they all headed back up to the school. Once there, James and Peter reluctantly started some half hearted revision in the common room, and Remus and Sirius went to the library where it was quieter. He hated seeing just how worked up Remus got about this schoolwork. He tried to imagine what being inside his brain would feel like. How could someone cope with this amount of anxiety all the time? He guessed he wasn’t. After about half an hour he got into the work and seemed to calm down a little. Sirius hoped that it helped at least a little him being there. A few hours later, Remus had caught up on all his work, and done some revision, and Sirius had even done a bit of work himself. They went back to the common room, Lupin finally looking the most relaxed he had been all day. The remainder of the afternoon was passed quite happily, and as he climbed into bed that night, Sirius thought it had been quite a good day after all.

Remus POV  
He was sat in the exam hall. Everyone around him was writing furiously. He tried to pick up his quill, but it kept falling through his hand. However hard he grabbed it he couldn’t pick it up. He turned to the person next to him, to ask for a different quill, but it was Snape. He desperately tried to explain the situation, but nobody was listening. Above him, a giant clock was ticking. He still had an hour left of the exam, but as he watched, the hand started moving quicker and quicker. He was frozen on the spot, unable to move. He felt hands clamping down on his chest and he could hear Snape's voice shouting:  
‘You’re a failure. A failure and a fag!’ He tried not to listen but it was deafening. He kept repeating those words again and again, each one feeling like a punch in the stomach. The voice was surrounding him and he couldn’t move. Everything was pressing in on him and he felt like he was being crushed. He couldn’t draw any air into his lungs. 

He woke up, gasping for breath. Tears were streaming down his face, and he felt his chest compressing. As much as he tried to suck air into his lungs, he still couldn’t breathe. He was shaking really badly and his eyes were full of tears. He felt the mattress indent beside him, and suddenly there was a hand on his back, and Sirius’ worried voice above him. He leaned into the solid weight beside him, and felt strong arms wrap around him.   
‘I… Can’t...Breathe…’ He gulped out, his head in Sirius’ chest. He couldn’t hear his response, but his voice was soothing, as were his arms surrounding him, and his hand stroking his hair. Eventually, the aching in his chest subsided slightly and he focused on trying to slow the hyperventilating down enough to take some shaky breaths. He found Sirius’ hand and clutched it in his own, as tears continued to leak from his eyes. Sirius shifted their bodies so Remus was lying back down on his pillow.  
‘In my bag’ Remus croaked ‘A purple potion’. He felt Sirius leave and then return a second later with the potion Madam Pomfrey had given him. Silently, Sirius helped him drink it, and he instantly felt his racing heartbeat slow slightly.  
‘Please stay’ whispered Remus pleadingly.  
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere’ murmured Sirius, climbing under the covers beside him. They shifted so Sirius was spooning Remus from behind, with his arms round him. After about a minute Sirius spoke softly.  
‘Do you want to talk about what happened?’ In the safety of the darkness, in Sirius’ arms, Remus felt ok talking about it.  
‘I was in the exam’ he began shakily. ‘I couldn’t write and I was running out of time. I was gonna fail. Snape was there. He was calling me...’ He paused. He hadn’t wanted to tell Sirius about what had happened that morning. He was ashamed about the way he had just taken it, without even trying to defend himself. However, he was sick of holding things back from his best friend. He took a deep breath and blurted it all out.  
‘In the dream, he was calling me a f-fag. And also in real life. This morning. I didn’t want to tell you. He blocked me in the corridor.’ He felt Sirius stiffen with anger.   
‘It’s ok. He was just being an idiot.’ Remus said.  
‘It isn’t ok. I hate that whiny little bitch.’ Sirius growled.  
The potion had made Remus feel warm and heavy. He yawned, and leant his head back on Sirius’ chest. He felt his eyes begin to close and he welcomed the impending sleep. The last thing he registered was the comfortable weight of Sirius’ arm around him, and the knowledge that everything felt a lot less scary with Sirius next to him.


End file.
